 Photo taken at Esalen. If love was a thing we could swim in, we would bathe together in the dream of our own being.
For a flash of a moment we slip into this skin, to feel passion again. To touch, to linger, to love... She spoke so softly to me on the astral, it was easy to see without sight, there was no question of intention or direction, just being and going with the flow, But we wanted to put a finger on it, to have a unique print and the precise grip of a warm touch. There is magic in being separate, in creating connection with effort, while we can easily swim through and float in the abyss, the longing will always persist, to be one, and then unique to be formed and formless, again. This journey is the movement through, and awareness of, the space between, the space between dreams (the waking and sleeping) There is a flash of knowing when the mind stops breathing Body satiated, neither craving nor controlling If words were things that had meaning we would say we were love and stop breathing. My problem is I think I’m my body. When I dream about the love of my life I think the sadness and confusion I feel is mine, that it is who I am, and I deeply mourn the loss. I am bewildered by the impossible choice, knowing that it would have been a very different road to follow if we had stayed together. In these moments, floating along in the astral sub-consciousness of my mind, I think the kisses and the warmth of embrace are real and the fear of loss and the tears I cry are mine, that everything I feel physically and emotionally is real.
Yoga teaches that we are not our bodies or our thoughts. We are spirit moving through time. The attachment to temporary sensation is all-consuming without awareness. In the dreamscape it is very difficult to discern what is real and what is not. It can even be challenging to determine who you are in the dream. In waking life the task is to realize you are not who you appear to be. On one side, when we’re dreaming, we are trying to gain control over the illusion. On the other side we are trying to release control over the illusion we’ve created, both in order to set ourselves free. The mind is a tricky thing. Consciously, I am over the hurt and loss of this love (and the many others that came before and after), but my subconscious displays these longing dreams before my impressionable astral eyes which cannot discern the difference between real and memory and fantasy. Does this mean our connection extends far into the past, into former lives spent together trying to share in experience? Or is it just an unclear perception of reality and the propagation of control over who I am that keeps the dreams alive? In my dreams there is always love between us. In my dreams he tells me he is happy, I know that the connection between us is still so strong, but I forget to say I love you. I forget to say, can we try again. I am always moving on and grateful for the time to embrace. That is always enough. In the last dreamscape we spoke of the past, of why we had to go our separate ways. I cried. It was also so clear that it was the right thing to have done. Then we kissed, all the while through the conversation we were holding each other. When I awoke I affirmed that it had always felt amazing to be in his arms and that I certainly would be somewhere else if I had not charted my own course. Aham Brahmasmi, I am the creative principle, which means that I can create any reality. I can be anybody, any entity and yet, most of us cannot choose any destiny because the pull of our attachments is so strong. We are stuck in ahamkara, the me-maker. It is the illusion that we are the creation and not the creator. How do I move beyond believing that I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, a writer, a yogi, an earthling!? I am kala purusha, spirit moving through time. There is an essence in between all of the thoughts, memories, dreams, visions and words that is the constant, and is the truth. I am not these thoughts, these dreams, I am not this body or these memories. I am the space in between those experiences. I am the observer, not the observed. I am the constant. In an instant, I understand everything, but as soon as I intellectualize it the understanding is gone. I have identified with it. The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao. The dreamscape feels very much like this fleeting knowledge of life - any attempt to grasp it changes it and most of the time it just disappears. I am not this body. I am not these thoughts. I am not these words I am writing or the dreams I am dreaming. I am the one who is watching it all, perfectly, sitting, waiting, knowing, it is only a matter of time before I wake up. The dreams I have may be closer to the truth, and they are certainly not the only dreams I can wake up from. As I understand it, there is just one dream to awaken from, and this is it. When I look into the eyes of my beloved I see my own reflection and I understand connection.
When I feel the touch of my beloved a fire ignites within and already we are one. Simply standing near my beloved the energy of life flows between us. We are already one. Into the presence of my beloved I melt and I feel what lies beneath the surface of my own illusion. I resist when I am afraid of losing, We are already one. Entering into the bliss of union, Shiva/Shakti, to express this. We are already one. She must be patient
She is tired, worn Feeling lost, lonely But yet trapped and too crowded She knows all too well where she is who they are She walks along the narrow The cold, dark eyes consume Always consumed by the passion Slow in holding onto that Fire, she calls, the warmth A natural disaster What dreams And then tears What learned And fear of all After the fire Comes the draught The dream ends But never does Never stop, girl You will always be protected Because you are so loved So Desired The eyes that meet you find it hard to forget you Do what to who... They all love the way But fear the intensity Could I create the storm and feel enough to make the rain pour Does my PASSION make the wind blow Can a love of mine make flowers bloom I feel clearer now I spoke to him he said he wanted to But the confusion troubles him And I cannot say I would be here waiting or if it's there to even wait for He has always loved me and I cherish his presence My life is what must be And understand I am not just one but many thoughts And it all comes down to that Hope, Dreams, Desire These things I know but still unsure Surely there will be a meaning a life a love and all along It was ME All they did was enter my day and so change me for all all things connect make sense eventually I will see you all again. Written circa 1999 |
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April 2017
About Ashley Celeste LealAshley is a yoga teacher and writer from the desert town of Tucson, AZ. |
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