My problem is I think I’m my body. When I dream about the love of my life I think the sadness and confusion I feel is mine, that it is who I am, and I deeply mourn the loss. I am bewildered by the impossible choice, knowing that it would have been a very different road to follow if we had stayed together. In these moments, floating along in the astral sub-consciousness of my mind, I think the kisses and the warmth of embrace are real and the fear of loss and the tears I cry are mine, that everything I feel physically and emotionally is real.
Yoga teaches that we are not our bodies or our thoughts. We are spirit moving through time. The attachment to temporary sensation is all-consuming without awareness. In the dreamscape it is very difficult to discern what is real and what is not. It can even be challenging to determine who you are in the dream. In waking life the task is to realize you are not who you appear to be. On one side, when we’re dreaming, we are trying to gain control over the illusion. On the other side we are trying to release control over the illusion we’ve created, both in order to set ourselves free.
The mind is a tricky thing. Consciously, I am over the hurt and loss of this love (and the many others that came before and after), but my subconscious displays these longing dreams before my impressionable astral eyes which cannot discern the difference between real and memory and fantasy. Does this mean our connection extends far into the past, into former lives spent together trying to share in experience? Or is it just an unclear perception of reality and the propagation of control over who I am that keeps the dreams alive?
In my dreams there is always love between us. In my dreams he tells me he is happy, I know that the connection between us is still so strong, but I forget to say I love you. I forget to say, can we try again. I am always moving on and grateful for the time to embrace. That is always enough. In the last dreamscape we spoke of the past, of why we had to go our separate ways. I cried. It was also so clear that it was the right thing to have done. Then we kissed, all the while through the conversation we were holding each other. When I awoke I affirmed that it had always felt amazing to be in his arms and that I certainly would be somewhere else if I had not charted my own course.
Aham Brahmasmi, I am the creative principle, which means that I can create any reality. I can be anybody, any entity and yet, most of us cannot choose any destiny because the pull of our attachments is so strong. We are stuck in ahamkara, the me-maker. It is the illusion that we are the creation and not the creator. How do I move beyond believing that I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, a writer, a yogi, an earthling!? I am kala purusha, spirit moving through time. There is an essence in between all of the thoughts, memories, dreams, visions and words that is the constant, and is the truth.
I am not these thoughts, these dreams, I am not this body or these memories. I am the space in between those experiences. I am the observer, not the observed. I am the constant. In an instant, I understand everything, but as soon as I intellectualize it the understanding is gone. I have identified with it. The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao. The dreamscape feels very much like this fleeting knowledge of life - any attempt to grasp it changes it and most of the time it just disappears.
I am not this body. I am not these thoughts. I am not these words I am writing or the dreams I am dreaming. I am the one who is watching it all, perfectly, sitting, waiting, knowing, it is only a matter of time before I wake up. The dreams I have may be closer to the truth, and they are certainly not the only dreams I can wake up from. As I understand it, there is just one dream to awaken from, and this is it.