Adios to My First True Love (Stella revisited)

It has been almost three months since my beautiful nana left this earth plane. Time has allowed for greater integration of this shift. Mostly I am grateful she is not in pain anymore and I feel blessed to have had the experience of her at all. Some days are like this. I cry. Again. I feel shattered. Again. Writing helps. Thank you for reading.

The moments my mind can’t recall are breathing in my cells.
Sitting so close to an embrace that is gone kicks up the dust of memories,
 
My hand was so small in yours once, as we walked home from school,
The softness of you was like rose petals and the smell of rain in the desert.
I can still hear the sweetness of my name from your lips, like perfect, just ripe fruit,
And I can feel your smile like the mariachis' triumphant violins, “¡Viva Mexico!”
 
¡Viva! Joie de vivre.. this is how I think of you, so odd that your body is gone now.
How strange to feel pure joy and inconsolable sorrow in a single breath.
To say that I miss you is an understatement.. my bones ache for you…
 
I cannot begin to speak of my heart… or imagine all the hearts around me,
Beating, as mine was, in unison with yours, and really, because of yours,
Now momentarily suspended, skipping beats, tightening, clutching.
 
And my cells are absorbing the things my mind will soon forget,
The smell of your skin and your perfume.
The rounded fullness of your laugh, which was hard and often,
Not much little chuckling for you, mostly big howls and persistent giggles.
And what else can one ask of life but genuine laughter?
 
Maybe my brain won’t forget those things, but some memories will slip away.
 
In the stillness of the monsoon rain I’ll recall how you always prayed for the rain,
Sometimes I’ll know how much you loved purple and how bright colors made your eyes glow.
 
There is not much “perfect” in this world. We are always learning to accept hard with easy.
But you were perfect for me. You were your mother’s golden child and I was your treasure.
The only hard and heavy part of how we related was that we would have to
One day say goodbye to the bodies we loved each other in so dearly,
Au revoir to the knowing glances and warm affection - a physical expression of the purest love there is.
Adios, as the mariachis sang so harrowingly that my tears shed tears, adios to my first true love.

Read "Stella"